How Can I Know What Happened?

Hello Paulo, I have been struggling with the loss of my daughter Melissa who was murdered by her 2nd cousin over 5 yrs ago and I still can’t seem to communicate with her or really come to terms with her death … but sometimes I feel she is near me. I would also really like to know what really happened that day and if everyone is in prison that should be. –– Heather

When someone very close has died, your emotional attachment to that person does not also die. No … and this becomes a MAJOR letting go challenge! (Traumatic images do not help in the grieving process, that is for sure, and may call for therapy.)

Trying to communicate with your deceased daughter, or dwelling on the details of what happened, punishment, etc … while these are emotionally understandable, they are psychologically counterproductive to your real challenge. Your focus needs to be on actually grieving, the LETTING GO part. It may help if you think of your grieving process as one of you releasing your daughter (from your emotional grip, for one thing). Breathing exercise (several times/day): Think “letting” with your inbreath, and “go” with the outbreath, as you visualize your daughter’s soul soaring into greater freedom.

Your grieving process is the only thing you can control here and, in fact, it is what you are called upon to do — now (and for the past five years) — both for your own sake as well as for the freedom of your daughter’s soul. Of course, she loves you, but you need to stop holding her back. Release her to a higher glory, while finding other ways to get your needs met.

Two things you cannot change are the past and other people. Whoever has passed on is gone to us and, like it or not, there is nothing constructive or helpful you can do now but become a “warrior of acceptance” — learn to ACCEPT the reality, via a process of actively grieving the loss. Look up the five steps of grieving … not one of them is called “Hold on like crazy.” As you probably know, that can make you crazy with depression.

Even though we humans often demand it, it is not our ‘job’ to figure out the real reasons things happens. (We not be capable of understanding anyway.) Sometimes we get clear about the meaning for us years after. No … it’s primarily our job to ACCEPT what we cannot change and roll with the punches, to be able to continue living our lives in a healthy and happy way. So, for your own sake and hers, release your daughter … and see what gifts that letting go, no matter how painful, will bring you. Put away your old questions … letting go is what you are called upon to do.